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When you're feeling trapped in a cycle of frustration and disappointment, hearing someone tell you to "just think positive" can feel like salt in an open wound. As a therapist who has worked with countless individuals struggling to break free from patterns of stagnation and self-sabotage, I've seen firsthand how this well-intentioned advice often misses the mark.  Why Positive Thinking Alone Doesn't Work Positive thinking has its place in mental wellness, but it's not a magic solution. When you're genuinely stuck, several things happen that positive thinking alone cannot address:
 Breaking the Cycle: Moving Beyond Frustration If you're feeling stuck and positive thinking hasn't helped, here are approaches that can lead to genuine empowerment: Acknowledge Your Reality The first step toward breaking free isn't forcing positivity—it's honest assessment. In therapy, we often begin by acknowledging exactly where you are without judgment. This creates a foundation of self-compassion essential for real change. Identify the Patterns of Self-Sabotage Most cycles of feeling stuck involve subtle patterns of self-sabotage. These aren't character flaws but learned responses to past disappointments. A counsellor can help you recognize when you're unconsciously reinforcing the very cycles you want to break.  Regain Control Through Micro-Steps Empowerment comes not from thinking differently but from experiencing your ability to effect change. Start with actions so small they seem almost insignificant—what matters is rebuilding your sense of control. Create a Scaffolded PlanMotivation doesn't precede action—it follows it. Working with a therapist to develop a structured plan with built-in support at potential failure points provides the guidance and direction needed when your own motivation wavers.  When You Need Professional Help Sometimes the feeling of being trapped stems from deeper issues that require professional intervention:
Moving Forward: Beyond Positivity to Empowerment True empowerment isn't about forcing positive thoughts—it's about developing agency, even in small ways, over your circumstances. It's recognizing that disappointment is part of the journey, not a sign to abandon it. When clients leave my office, I don't want them simply thinking more positively. I want them equipped with practical tools to navigate obstacles, a deeper understanding of their patterns, and the experience of having already taken small steps toward change. If you're feeling stuck, know that your frustration is valid. Breaking free won't come from positive thinking alone—but with the right support, guidance, and practical approach, you can begin to move beyond where you're trapped and into a place of genuine empowerment and direction. If you are ready to explore how therapy might be able to help, book a free 15 minute consultation.
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When faced with difficult situations, particularly those involving loss or trauma, our minds often make a surprising choice: we unconsciously choose to feel guilty rather than helpless. This psychological mechanism, while painful, actually serves a purpose in our emotional survival. Guilt implies control and agency. When we feel guilty about something, we're operating under the assumption that we could have done something differently—that we had power in the situation. The thought "If only I had..." may be painful, but it preserves our sense that we can influence outcomes in our lives.  Helplessness, by contrast, is often more terrifying to our psyche. Accepting that some situations are truly beyond our control forces us to confront the fundamental uncertainty of life. This uncertainty can trigger deep existential anxiety about our vulnerability in an unpredictable world. Consider a parent whose child is struggling. Rather than accept the helplessness of not being able to fix everything, many parents unconsciously shoulder guilt—"I should have noticed sooner," "I'm not doing enough," or "This is happening because of something I did wrong." The guilt is painful, but it maintains the illusion that they have the power to change the situation completely if they just do better. This pattern appears in many contexts:
 How EMDR Can Help Break the Guilt-Helplessness Cycle Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy has emerged as a powerful tool for addressing this psychological pattern. EMDR works by helping the brain reprocess traumatic memories and distressing emotions that may be locked in our nervous system. When we're stuck in patterns of guilt that mask deeper feelings of helplessness, EMDR can:
 Many clients report that after EMDR sessions targeting guilt-laden memories, they can hold a more nuanced view—acknowledging what was truly beyond their control while recognizing their genuine agency where it did exist. The path toward emotional healing often involves recognizing this unconscious choice and gradually learning to accept appropriate helplessness without being overwhelmed by it. With approaches like EMDR, we can develop the emotional resilience to discern what we genuinely can and cannot control, releasing unnecessary guilt while building the capacity to face life's uncertainties with greater peace. Good Talk Therapy offers in person in Coquitlam and online sessions. Book a free 15 minute consultation to see how therapy can support you.
In the journey of personal growth and healing, there's a profound truth that often goes unnoticed: true healing begins with feeling. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful approach to understanding and navigating our emotional landscapes, providing a compassionate framework for healing what we've long avoided feeling.  Understanding Our Internal System IFS introduces a revolutionary perspective: our psyche is composed of multiple "parts" – distinct internal voices, emotions, and protective mechanisms that interact within us. Just like a family, these parts have different roles, fears, and intentions. Some parts protect us, some carry pain, and some hold our core essence – what IFS calls the "Self." The brilliance of IFS lies in its understanding that no part of us is inherently bad. Even the most challenging emotions or behaviors emerge from a protective intention, no matter how misguided they might seem.  How IFS Supports Feeling and Healing Acknowledging Protected Emotions Many of our unexpressed feelings are locked away by protective parts – internal guardians that believe suppressing pain is the safest approach. IFS doesn't see these parts as enemies, but as wounded protectors trying their best to keep us safe. For instance, a part that makes you constantly busy might be protecting you from feeling deep grief or loneliness. Another part that becomes angry might be shielding you from vulnerability. IFS invites these parts to be heard, not silenced. The Healing Presence of Self Central to IFS is the concept of the "Self" – a core essence characterized by qualities like compassion, curiosity, calm, and connectedness. When we approach our difficult emotions from this Self-energy, healing becomes possible. The Self doesn't judge or fight against painful emotions but welcomes them with understanding.  Practical IFS Healing Steps:
 Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Suppression IFS helps us understand that we can't heal what we don't feel because each unexpressed emotion is a part of us waiting to be acknowledged. These parts carry valuable information – they are not problems to be solved, but messengers to be understood. When we create internal space for all our emotions – the scared, the angry, the hurt, the hopeful – we begin a profound healing journey. IFS teaches us that true transformation happens not by fighting against our internal experiences, but by listening to them with radical compassion.  A Compassionate Approach to Feeling Healing through IFS is not about forcing emotions or re-traumatizing yourself. It's a gentle, patient process of building internal trust. Each time you listen to a protected part with kindness, you're saying, "You are safe. Your feelings matter. You are welcome here."  The Invitation of IFS Internal Family Systems offers a revolutionary approach: instead of seeing our complex emotions as something to overcome, we learn to see them as integrated parts of our human experience. We can't heal what we don't feel – and with IFS, we learn not just to feel, but to feel with profound self-compassion. Your internal system is not broken. It's trying its best to protect you. And with understanding, patience, and gentle curiosity, healing becomes not just possible, but natural. Book a free 15 minute consultation in Coquitlam to start your therapy journey.
The Echo of Early Wounds: Understanding How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships in Coquitlam3/23/2025 When we experience trauma in our formative years, it's as if our emotional world learns to speak a different language – one of caution, self-protection, and sometimes, silence. Like a house built on shifting foundations, the reverberations of childhood trauma can continue to influence our adult relationships in ways we might not even recognize.  The Protective Power of Shutdown Many trauma survivors describe a familiar pattern: when emotions become too intense or relationships start feeling too close, they experience what therapists call "emotional shutdown." This isn't weakness or choice – it's your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe when safety wasn't guaranteed. Imagine a child who learned that expressing needs led to disappointment or punishment. That child's brain developed an ingenious survival strategy: don't need, don't feel, don't connect too deeply. While this protective mechanism served its purpose during times of vulnerability, it can become a prison in adulthood, keeping us isolated from the very connections we yearn for.  The Complex Dance of Adult Relationships When we carry unresolved trauma, relationships become complicated choreography. We might find ourselves drawn to the warmth of connection, only to pull away when it feels too real. This push-pull dynamic often manifests as:
 The Subtle Art of Self-Sabotage Self-sabotage is rarely as obvious as deliberately ruining things. More often, it's a subtle pattern of behaviors that stem from deep-seated beliefs about ourselves and the world. When childhood trauma has taught us that we don't deserve good things, we might:
Breaking Free: The Journey to Healing Healing from childhood trauma isn't about erasing the past – it's about creating new neural pathways and learning to trust again. This journey requires:  Understanding Your Patterns Start by observing your responses to emotional intimacy without judgment. Notice when you shut down and what triggers these responses. This awareness is the first step toward change. Rebuilding Safety with Yourself Before we can connect deeply with others, we need to establish a secure relationship with ourselves. This means learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions, practicing self-compassion, and gradually challenging those old beliefs about unworthiness. The Role of Professional Support Working with a trauma-informed therapist can provide the safe space needed to explore these wounds. Therapeutic approaches like EMDR, somatic therapy, IFS, or attachment-based therapy can help process trauma and create new patterns of relating. Small Steps Toward Connection Healing doesn't happen in isolation. While it might feel safer to keep others at arm's length, meaningful connections are essential for rewiring our relationship with trust. Start with small risks in safe relationships, gradually building your tolerance for emotional intimacy.  The Power of Patience and Self-Compassion Remember that healing isn't linear. There will be days when old patterns resurface, when shutdown feels like the only option, or when self-sabotage seems impossible to resist. These aren't failures – they're opportunities to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you're unlearning responses that took years to develop. Moving Forward Your past experiences may have shaped you, but they don't have to define your future. Every small step toward understanding and healing your trauma is an act of courage. Every time you choose to stay present instead of shutting down, to reach out instead of pulling away, you're rewriting your story. The path to healing from childhood trauma isn't about becoming a different person – it's about uncovering the authentic self that had to hide to survive. With patience, support, and compassion, it's possible to move beyond survival mode and into a life of genuine connection and fulfillment. Remember: You didn't choose the trauma that happened to you, but you can choose your path forward. And you don't have to walk that path alone.
If you are ready to start exploring, book a free 15 minute consultation. The start of a new year often comes with a surge of hope and the desire for fresh beginnings. We might set ambitious goals, vow to break old habits, and dream of a brighter future. However, for many, the past can cast a long shadow, influencing our present experiences and relationships.  The Lingering Effects of Trauma:Trauma, whether big or small, can leave deep imprints on our psyche. Past experiences of abuse, neglect, or significant loss can manifest in various ways:
 Healing and Moving Forward: Healing from past trauma is a journey, not a destination. It requires:
 A New Year, A New Beginning: While the past can influence the present, it does not have to define it. By acknowledging the impact of past trauma and seeking appropriate support, you can begin to heal, break free from limiting patterns, and build fulfilling and authentic relationships. Book a free 15 minute consultation to see how counselling might be able to help you in 2025.
Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered professional medical advice. If you are struggling with trauma or mental health concerns, please consult with a qualified mental health professional. The holiday season, often portrayed as a time of joy and celebration, can also bring stress, financial pressure, and emotional challenges. For many, the culture of gifting, high expectations, and rising expenses overshadow the true essence of the holidays—connection, reflection, and love. This Christmas, let’s explore ways to navigate the season mindfully and rediscover what matters most.  The Weight of Financial Pressures and the Culture of Gifting Christmas often comes with the expectation to spend—on gifts, decorations, travel, and gatherings. With rising costs and financial pressures, this can feel overwhelming. Social media and advertising amplify the pressure to give lavish gifts, equating material items with love and success. However, it’s essential to remember that your worth is not tied to what you can buy. Meaningful relationships aren’t built on price tags but on presence, connection, and thoughtfulness. Handwritten notes, shared meals, or time spent together can hold far more value than the latest gadget. Managing Expectations and Focusing on Relationships High expectations can make the holidays feel like a test of perfection. Perfect meals, perfectly wrapped gifts, and perfect family moments—these ideals are unrealistic and can leave you feeling inadequate. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on nurturing relationships. Here’s how to shift your perspective:
 Old Wounds and Broken Relationships The holidays can bring unresolved pain to the surface. Broken relationships, family tensions, or memories of loved ones who are no longer here can trigger old wounds. Loneliness may also feel more acute during this season when societal messages emphasize togetherness.
Loneliness and Triggers For those navigating loneliness or estranged relationships, the holidays can feel isolating. Triggers—whether they’re old family dynamics, past hurts, or unmet expectations—can surface and make the season particularly challenging.
Reflecting and Looking ForwardThe end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on where you’ve been and where you’re headed. Instead of focusing solely on holiday pressures, consider how you can use this time for personal growth and intention-setting.
 You Are Not AloneThe holidays can be complex—a mix of joy, pain, nostalgia, and hope. If you feel overwhelmed, lonely, or triggered, remember that you are not alone. Many others share these struggles, even if they’re not visible. Consider reaching out to loved ones or a counsellor if you need support. You are good enough just as you are, and you deserve kindness, care, and peace this holiday season. Book a free 15 min consultation to explore counselling in Coquitlam  Rediscovering the Heart of Christmas At its core, Christmas is about connection—not just with others but with yourself. It’s a chance to honor relationships, nurture your well-being, and find meaning beyond materialism. Whether this season is filled with loved ones or quiet reflection, know that you have the strength to navigate it with grace and resilience.
This Christmas, let go of perfection, embrace what truly matters, and remind yourself: you are enough. “Stories are the way we understand our world.” This simple idea lies at the heart of narrative therapy. It’s a therapeutic approach that empowers individuals to separate themselves from their problems, understand the stories they live by, and ultimately, rewrite these narratives to shape their lives in a more positive direction. In this blog, we’ll dive into what narrative therapy is, how it works, and how it can help people redefine their experiences and identities.  What is Narrative Therapy Narrative therapy is a collaborative, non-pathologizing form of counseling developed in the 1980s by Michael White and David Epston. It is based on the idea that we all create stories about our lives—stories that shape how we view ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. These narratives can be empowering and positive, but they can also be limiting or even harmful, especially when they center on problems, failures, or negative experiences. The key insight of narrative therapy is that the problem is the problem—not the person. In other words, our problems do not define us; they are simply elements of our life story. By externalizing these problems and exploring alternative narratives, we can gain a sense of agency and transform our relationship with the challenges we face.  Core Principles of Narrative Therapy 1. Externalization: One of the foundational techniques of narrative therapy is externalizing the problem. Instead of seeing the problem as an inherent part of who we are, narrative therapy encourages us to view it as something separate. For example, rather than saying, "I am anxious," one might say, "Anxiety is something that affects me." This shift helps to reduce feelings of shame and self-blame, making it easier to explore and address the issue. 2. Exploring the Narrative: Narrative therapy invites clients to explore the stories they tell about themselves. What are the dominant narratives in their lives? Are they stories of resilience, failure, love, or fear? Through this exploration, clients begin to identify which narratives have been helpful and which have been limiting. 3. Identifying Unique Outcomes: During therapy, clients are encouraged to identify moments in their lives when they have successfully resisted or overcome a problem. These are known as "unique outcomes"—instances that don’t fit the dominant problem-saturated narrative. Recognizing these moments can help clients build a richer, more empowering story about who they are and what they are capable of. 4. Re-authoring: In narrative therapy, clients have the opportunity to “re-author” their lives by creating new, more positive narratives. This process involves identifying values, strengths, and skills that support the new story, helping clients to see themselves in a different light and to develop a sense of hope and possibility. 5. Collaborative Approach: Narrative therapy is a collaborative process where the therapist and client work together as equals. The therapist is not seen as the “expert” who has all the answers. Instead, they serve as a guide, helping clients explore and reshape their stories in a way that feels authentic and meaningful to them.  How Does Narrative Therapy Work in Practice? |
AuthorVictoria is a Registered Clinical Counsellor. She primarily works with families, youth and parents and women wanting to do self-work. Archives
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Good Talk Therapy acknowledges that it is located and operates on the traditional, ancestral, and unceded territories of the kʷikʷəƛ̓əm (Kwikwetlem First Nation), including those parts that were historically shared with the sq̓əc̓iy̓aɁɬtəməxʷ (Katzie), and other Coast Salish Peoples.
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