​There’s a peculiar phase in grieving a relationship where, on the surface, you seem okay. You’re going through the motions—working, meeting friends, keeping busy—but inside, everything feels off. The All Too Well lyric by Taylor Swift, "And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all," perfectly captures this liminal space where you’re surviving, but not yet thriving.

Relationship loss is rarely a clean break. It’s a process that can leave you feeling torn between moments of composure and sudden waves of sadness or longing. Understanding this paradox is essential to navigating the path forward.

In the aftermath of a breakup or the loss of a meaningful relationship, it’s common to put on a brave face. You may tell yourself—and others—that you’re fine. And maybe, in some ways, you are. You’re getting through the day, meeting your obligations, and trying to move on. But deep down, there’s an ache that lingers.
This dissonance between outward appearances and inner emotions can make grief feel even more isolating. You might think, Shouldn’t I be over this by now? or Why does this still hurt so much? The truth is, healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to not feel “fine” even when life seems to be moving forward.

While you may not feel “fine” right now, there are ways to gently support yourself through this difficult time.

1. Acknowledge the Disconnect
   Recognize that it’s okay to feel like you’re living in two emotional states—one that appears “okay” and one that’s still deeply hurting. Both are valid.
   
2. Create Space for Your Emotions
   Take time to sit with your feelings, whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or working with a counselor. Suppressing your emotions will only prolong the healing process.
   
3. Redefine “Okay”
   Healing doesn’t mean going back to who you were before the relationship. Instead, it’s about creating a new version of “okay” that incorporates what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown.
   
4. Celebrate Small Victories
   Healing often happens in small, almost imperceptible steps. Maybe it’s going a whole day without crying or finding joy in something you used to love. These moments matter and should be celebrated.
   
5. Seek Connection
   While grief can feel isolating, reaching out to others can remind you that you’re not alone. Friends, family, or a therapist can provide perspective and support.
   

The journey from “okay” to “fine” isn’t always straightforward. It takes time, self-compassion, and a willingness to embrace the messy, non-linear process of healing. You may have days where you feel strong and hopeful, and others where the grief sneaks back in. Both are part of the process.
The lyric, "And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all," reminds us that it’s okay to live in the in-between for a while. Grieving a relationship is a deeply human experience, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it.

As you navigate the quiet struggle of relationship grief, remember that even in the moments when you’re “not fine at all,” you’re still moving forward. Each day brings the possibility of healing, growth, and rediscovering the parts of yourself that remain untouched by loss.
And when you’re ready to take the next step—whether that’s opening your heart to new relationships, reconnecting with your passions, or seeking support—know that you don’t have to do it alone.

If you’re finding it hard to bridge the gap between “okay” and “fine,” I’m here to help. As a counsellor, I provide a safe, supportive space to explore your emotions, process your grief, and move toward a place of true healing. 
Book a free 15 min consultation.  I offer in person sessions in Coquitlam and online.

​In our modern world, productivity is often celebrated as a badge of honor. Achieving goals, meeting deadlines, and striving for excellence can be rewarding, but when does productivity cross the line into toxicity? Toxic productivity, an obsession with constant output at the expense of well-being, has become an increasingly prevalent issue.

Toxic productivity is the unhealthy compulsion to always be “doing” something, even when rest or reflection is needed. It’s the voice in your head that says, “You’re never doing enough,” or “If you stop, you’ll fall behind.” While ambition can motivate, toxic productivity thrives on fear—fear of being replaced, fear of failure, or fear of not living up to unrealistic expectations.

​Toxic productivity doesn’t announce itself clearly; it sneaks in through small habits and thoughts that seem harmless at first. Here are some key signs to watch for:

​While it might seem like working harder and longer will lead to greater rewards, the cost of toxic productivity is steep. Chronic stress can lead to burnout, physical health problems, and emotional exhaustion. Relationships can suffer, as time spent obsessing over work takes away from meaningful connections. Worse, the constant feeling of inadequacy can erode self-esteem, leading to anxiety or depression.

If toxic productivity feels like a constant presence in your life, know that it’s possible to break free. Here’s how:

In a culture that often glorifies hustle, stepping back can feel counterintuitive or even scary. However, embracing balance allows you to not only achieve but to enjoy your achievements. Let go of the fear of not being enough—because you are.
Take a moment to pause, breathe, and remind yourself: Productivity is a tool, not a measure of your worth. True success lies in living a life that fulfills you, not just a checklist.

If you are interested in breaking the cycle of overworking in Coquitlam, book a free 15 min consultation.

The impact of sexual assault and abuse can extend deep into the mind and body, affecting one's sense of safety and connection. Survivors may feel unsafe in their own bodies, disconnected from themselves, or overwhelmed by anxiety and fear. Healing from this trauma requires approaches that honor the mind-body connection and help restore a sense of safety and self. Somatic therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), and nervous system-focused techniques can be powerful tools in this journey toward healing.

Trauma isn't just stored in the mind; it is held in the body. Pioneers in trauma therapy, like Judith Herman, Peter Levine, and Bessel van der Kolk, have dedicated their careers to understanding how trauma is embedded in the nervous system. Their work has shown that experiences of sexual trauma can dysregulate the nervous system, leaving survivors in a state of "fight, flight, or freeze" long after the threat has passed. This can manifest as hypervigilance, emotional numbness, dissociation, or intense physical responses to certain triggers.
As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, the body remembers trauma, even when the conscious mind may not. This is where somatic therapy and other body-centered approaches can play an essential role. Somatic therapies help individuals reconnect with their bodies in a way that feels safe and manageable, allowing for healing that goes beyond traditional talk therapy.

​Somatic therapy focuses on tuning into bodily sensations and understanding the wisdom of the body. For survivors of sexual assault and abuse, somatic therapy offers a gentle, non-intrusive approach to healing. Peter Levine’s work with Somatic Experiencing, for instance, guides clients to safely explore sensations and emotions, gradually releasing the stored tension of traumatic experiences.

​Through somatic practices, clients learn to regulate their nervous systems and build a compassionate relationship with their bodies. This can be particularly helpful in addressing triggers—sights, sounds, or even internal sensations that provoke feelings of fear or anxiety. By learning to recognize and respond to these triggers in a regulated way, survivors can start to reclaim their sense of safety.

​EMDR is another powerful tool for processing trauma. Originally developed to treat PTSD, EMDR has gained recognition for its effectiveness with survivors of sexual trauma. The process involves focusing on traumatic memories while engaging in bilateral stimulation (such as guided eye movements), helping the brain process these memories and integrate them in a less distressing way. EMDR can help reduce the intensity of triggers and foster a feeling of control over one’s memories and emotions.

EMDR often addresses both the emotional and bodily impact of trauma, which can make it particularly effective for survivors struggling with flashbacks, nightmares, and a pervasive sense of danger. By processing these experiences, clients can find relief from the burdens that their bodies have carried, opening up space for healing and growth.

​In the context of healing from trauma, regulating the nervous system is essential. Survivors often find themselves in a state of chronic hyperarousal, where the body constantly prepares for a threat that is no longer present. This dysregulation can lead to fatigue, irritability, anxiety, and difficulty connecting with others.

​Practices like deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises help the nervous system shift from a reactive state to a regulated one. This process is gradual, and it’s normal for survivors to have moments when they feel triggered or overwhelmed. In those moments, self-compassion and gentle self-care are key to continuing the healing process.

​Healing from sexual assault and abuse requires a compassionate, trauma-informed approach that respects each survivor's unique journey. Trauma-informed therapists work to create an environment that feels safe, non-judgmental, and empowering. They recognize that healing is a collaborative process, one that may require revisiting memories, addressing the body’s responses, and developing new coping mechanisms to manage triggers.

​By combining approaches like somatic therapy, EMDR, and nervous system regulation, survivors can reconnect with their bodies and reclaim their sense of safety and agency. This journey can be challenging, but with the right support, healing is possible.

​Survivors often feel estranged from their bodies, unsure of how to find comfort or peace within themselves. The healing process is not about forgetting the past but rather about reclaiming control and cultivating a safe space within the body. By drawing on the insights of leaders like Judith Herman, Peter Levine, and Bessel van der Kolk, survivors can explore methods that resonate with their personal needs and move forward in their journey toward healing.

​Whether through somatic therapy, EMDR, or nervous system regulation, survivors of sexual trauma can take steps toward healing, one gentle moment at a time. By reconnecting with their bodies and learning to trust themselves, survivors can rebuild a life that feels grounded, whole, and safe.

If you are interested in how somatic therapy and EMDR in Coquitlam might help, please book a free 15 minute consultation.

If you are a victim of crime, visit ​CVAP (Crime Victim Assistance Program).