​When faced with difficult situations, particularly those involving loss or trauma, our minds often make a surprising choice: we unconsciously choose to feel guilty rather than helpless. This psychological mechanism, while painful, actually serves a purpose in our emotional survival.

​Guilt implies control and agency. When we feel guilty about something, we're operating under the assumption that we could have done something differently—that we had power in the situation. The thought "If only I had..." may be painful, but it preserves our sense that we can influence outcomes in our lives.

Helplessness, by contrast, is often more terrifying to our psyche. Accepting that some situations are truly beyond our control forces us to confront the fundamental uncertainty of life. This uncertainty can trigger deep existential anxiety about our vulnerability in an unpredictable world.

Consider a parent whose child is struggling. Rather than accept the helplessness of not being able to fix everything, many parents unconsciously shoulder guilt—"I should have noticed sooner," "I'm not doing enough," or "This is happening because of something I did wrong." The guilt is painful, but it maintains the illusion that they have the power to change the situation completely if they just do better.

This pattern appears in many contexts:

• Survivors of accidents or disasters may ruminate on what they "should have" done differently
• People in dysfunctional relationships often blame themselves rather than accept their inability to control another person's behavior
• Those grieving a loss might fixate on imagined failures rather than face the ultimate helplessness we all have against mortality

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy has emerged as a powerful tool for addressing this psychological pattern. EMDR works by helping the brain reprocess traumatic memories and distressing emotions that may be locked in our nervous system.

When we're stuck in patterns of guilt that mask deeper feelings of helplessness, EMDR can:

1. Access core beliefs: EMDR helps identify and address the fundamental negative beliefs driving guilt, such as "I should have been in control" or "I'm responsible for everything that happens."
2. Process blocked emotions: The bilateral stimulation in EMDR allows clients to safely experience the helplessness they've been avoiding, but in a controlled therapeutic environment where it becomes manageable rather than overwhelming.
3. Integrate fragmented memories: Traumatic experiences often remain unprocessed in the brain. EMDR helps integrate these experiences into our broader life narrative, reducing their emotional charge and allowing for new perspectives.
4. Install adaptive beliefs: As processing occurs, EMDR helps reinforce more balanced beliefs about responsibility, control, and acceptance of life's inherent uncertainties.

Many clients report that after EMDR sessions targeting guilt-laden memories, they can hold a more nuanced view—acknowledging what was truly beyond their control while recognizing their genuine agency where it did exist.

​The path toward emotional healing often involves recognizing this unconscious choice and gradually learning to accept appropriate helplessness without being overwhelmed by it. With approaches like EMDR, we can develop the emotional resilience to discern what we genuinely can and cannot control, releasing unnecessary guilt while building the capacity to face life's uncertainties with greater peace.

Good Talk Therapy offers in person in Coquitlam and online sessions.  Book a free 15 minute consultation to see how therapy can support you.

In the journey of personal growth and healing, there's a profound truth that often goes unnoticed: true healing begins with feeling. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful approach to understanding and navigating our emotional landscapes, providing a compassionate framework for healing what we've long avoided feeling.

IFS introduces a revolutionary perspective: our psyche is composed of multiple "parts" – distinct internal voices, emotions, and protective mechanisms that interact within us. Just like a family, these parts have different roles, fears, and intentions. Some parts protect us, some carry pain, and some hold our core essence – what IFS calls the "Self."
The brilliance of IFS lies in its understanding that no part of us is inherently bad. Even the most challenging emotions or behaviors emerge from a protective intention, no matter how misguided they might seem.

Many of our unexpressed feelings are locked away by protective parts – internal guardians that believe suppressing pain is the safest approach. IFS doesn't see these parts as enemies, but as wounded protectors trying their best to keep us safe.
For instance, a part that makes you constantly busy might be protecting you from feeling deep grief or loneliness. Another part that becomes angry might be shielding you from vulnerability. IFS invites these parts to be heard, not silenced.

​Central to IFS is the concept of the "Self" – a core essence characterized by qualities like compassion, curiosity, calm, and connectedness. When we approach our difficult emotions from this Self-energy, healing becomes possible. The Self doesn't judge or fight against painful emotions but welcomes them with understanding.

​IFS helps us understand that we can't heal what we don't feel because each unexpressed emotion is a part of us waiting to be acknowledged. These parts carry valuable information – they are not problems to be solved, but messengers to be understood.

​When we create internal space for all our emotions – the scared, the angry, the hurt, the hopeful – we begin a profound healing journey. IFS teaches us that true transformation happens not by fighting against our internal experiences, but by listening to them with radical compassion.

Healing through IFS is not about forcing emotions or re-traumatizing yourself. It's a gentle, patient process of building internal trust. Each time you listen to a protected part with kindness, you're saying, "You are safe. Your feelings matter. You are welcome here."

Internal Family Systems offers a revolutionary approach: instead of seeing our complex emotions as something to overcome, we learn to see them as integrated parts of our human experience. We can't heal what we don't feel – and with IFS, we learn not just to feel, but to feel with profound self-compassion.

​Your internal system is not broken. It's trying its best to protect you. And with understanding, patience, and gentle curiosity, healing becomes not just possible, but natural.

Book a free 15 minute consultation in Coquitlam to start your therapy journey.